Today is mine and S's eight year wedding anniversary.
I was lying in bed rescheduling tomorrow, well today, in my head. I was going to bring my car in for service but I'm not sure about timing. I'm meeting some former co-workers for lunch at noon. I want to be on the road to see my sister by 2:30 the latest.
So I thought maybe instead of bringing the car in I'd finally go to my local parish and start the annulment proceedings. Then I remembered the date. Ironic, huh?
Then I started thinking about the things I will say to the priest. How even though the relationship was full of love and passion it was built on us lying to ourselves about what we thought we wanted in life with each other. How even though we argued about baby names and how we would raise children we both always knew he really didn't ever want them. I kept telling myself that given time with me he would see how wonderful being a parent and sharing our love with our children would be. But I always knew his horrible childhood would keep him from reaching that conclusion. Oh, there were other problems but, for me, that was the eventual deal-breaker. He had a different deal-breaker. I think the biggest problem for me 3 years ago when it all fell apart was I was still in denial of the elephants in the room.
The good news is I'm not sad about losing him anymore. Yes, I'm crying right now but it is not about now, it is about then. Does that make sense?
I wonder if when Stacey said he could never give me the life he promised me how much of it centered around his job. The fact that he graduated with honors with a double major and then was working in Trader Joe's drove me absolutely nuts. But not because of the life it gave me. It was because he gave up on working for his dreams. If he took some remdial math in order to do better at the GREs he probably could have gotten into any graduate school and I could have continued in my career. Hopefully he'll go back to those dreams someday. I wonder if he ever finds out that J doesn't have a college degree and is working as a tech for the phone company if it will confuse or irk Stacey. J is more than capable of giving me the life I want. A house. Children. Love. That is all I ever wanted.
Wow, this keeps getting more and more disjointed.
The thoughts are straying further from S and more towards J.
I worry that since I have shown a great talent for fooling myself where love is concerned that I will do it again.
I worry that the friends who didn't say anything last time when they thought I was dating then marrying the wrong person will speak up this time if they think the same things about J (and sooner better than later).
I hope to God that no one says anything because no one thinks J is the wrong person. I sure don't.
Ok, back to S. I think something finally became clear to me while writing this. It has been getting clearer for a while. To get an annulment in the Catholic Church you basically have to prove to them that the contract was never really valid. Go back and read about the deal-breakers. The language just fits to perfectly for me.
OK, I think that about does it for tonight. Thank you and sorry.