|Monday, March 1st, 2010|
|Writer's Block: Marital license
Do you think a marriage license should have a renewal or expiration date, just like a driver's license?
A huge emotional part of my divorce from S was the fact that as far as I was concerned marriage is forever. We swore before both my God and his gods that we would be together forever. I really didn't want to break a promise to God. The annulment helped me get over that. I have come to realize that I was never truly married to Stacey in the catholic sense of the word because there was a fundamental lie underneath it all. We lied to ourselves and a marriage can't be built on that.
J feels the same way about marriage as I do. There will be no divorce this time. No need for any updates to our marriage license. Current Mood: exhausted
|Friday, January 18th, 2008|
|This was a comment to a friend's post about her annulment
Annulment does not mean your marriage never existed. It means that your contract has been declared null by reason of fraud.
Think of it this way, if you were contracted to build a house but never told the person you weren't really a carpenter. You work very hard on the house. You have poured the foundation and put up the frame. Then your employer finds out you really aren't qualified to do what you are doing (even though you are doind your best) and breaks the contract. Does that foundation or frame disappear? No. Neither does your past marriage. It is just null because you ex forgot to let you know he was crazy before you married him.
I am not referring to S in the sentence about the crazy ex. I am referring to my friend's crazy ex. Current Mood: optimistic
|Tuesday, November 6th, 2007|
|Friday, July 27th, 2007|
|A small miracle
I actually got the letter today. It is a very official letter with a raised seal and everything. It even says to hold on to it to show a priest if I want to get married again.
My next task is writing the letter to the diocese telling them how horrible their system is. Current Mood: surprised
|Friday, July 20th, 2007|
So I called the secretary of the Tribunal of the Archdiocese today. She looked up my case and said my case was completed on the 16th and she mailed the letter to the Diocese yesterday. I said something like "ok" in that expectant voice that someone uses when they are expecting more info. She then told me IT WAS APPROVED.
So now it goes back to the Diocese and then they send me a letter. I figure I'll get the letter in September.
But I'M FREE!!! Current Mood: ecstatic
|Friday, July 6th, 2007|
|God must be testing me and J
This is the email I just sent my Mom. I really don't feel like re-writing the story.
I spoke to the woman at Archdiocese. I like her a lot and I can tell she really tries. That being said I am very upset.
They lost a judge suddenly and are behind because of it. She said the remaining judges are hustling though. Still she thinks it will be a few more weeks. But she said to call her back in a few weeks and she will let me know what is happening because after the Archdiocese makes the decision it goes back to the Diocese and they contact me. Considering the date on the first judgement was 16FEB and the letter wasn't postmarked until 02MAR I am so not waiting for the Diocese to send me a letter.
So I will call again somewhere around the 18th and hopefully get the news.
S Current Mood: disappointed
|Friday, June 29th, 2007|
It still isn't here. I heard the mailman put the mail in the box and literally ran down the stairs. And it wasn't there. It has been 11 weeks. It hurt so much that I cried for a minute.
Does the Church have any idea what this does to a person's resolve to stay with the Church? My faith in God is not shaken but my devotion in his Church is getting harder and harder to maintain. Current Mood: disappointed
|Thursday, April 19th, 2007|
So I called the Tribunal at the Archdiocese. So much quicker and more business-like than at the Diocese. They assigned the judges on April 10th. It should take 8-10 weeks from then. So by the end of June it should all be over. And then it is time for new beginnings! Current Mood: relieved
|Monday, March 5th, 2007|
I got a letter from the Tribunal Today!!! My annulment has been granted in the First Instance!!!!! It now goes to the Archdiocese of Bridgeport for review. According to the priest I was working with they have never reversed one of his decisions. I am hoping that they work FAST.
On the not so happy, according to the letter the decision was made by the Tribunal on Feb 18. But the letter was dated Mar 1 and the postmark was the 2nd. Why didn't that letter go out on the 19th? Current Mood: ecstatic
|Friday, February 16th, 2007|
I wrote this last year in a response to a response on a locked post on my other lj to a friend who is also divorced and also has a new love. I thought it was appropriate to this journal though. Only minor editing to change names was done.Well I hope that hearing that I am going through the same thing helps you the way I think it is helping me that you are in the same boat. Makes me feel a bit more normal. I'm trying to look at it as S was my heart and soul for 8 years. I can't cut those years out of my life. We made vows that were absolutely sacred to me. (Now in my head I have Sting singing "I never made promises lightly, But there have been some that I've broken") It is hard, if not impossible, to take something that sacred and make it so it doesn't exist anymore. I think that is a big part of why I'm going through the whole annulment in the church. Validation that it was broken before it even started. At the same time I get upset or start feeling guilty when I feel a longing for the connection S and I had.
Now the intellectual part of my brain and my emotions are warring. And I don't always know which I'm going through.
And I also snap at J or worse over-explain issues to J because of unresolved angst from S. Luckily J is very understanding 99% of the time.
I usually go to D, S, or E with the deep emotional stuff, but I knew they just couldn't understand. I'm glad I have you to talk about this with. Maybe we should set up a phone chat some night when the boys aren't around to overhear us.
|Thursday, January 18th, 2007|
I just called the priest. He hasn't even looked at it. He said I was the next one on his list. He got angry at me because I told him that is what he said last time.
I'm devastated. I thought J and I would be able to get married this summer. Now I think we are going to have to wait.
He actually threw dates in my face. He said I was divorced 5 years ago but only filed a little over a year ago. I was told that these things could take 2 years. Yes, but in October he told me it would be the NEXT WEEK. He just said next week to me again. Don't they have any idea how much this all HURTS.
And now I'm crying at work. I was so much better off just wondering. I was better off thinking the holidays got in the way. Now I know that I wasn't really the next on his list. See after the testimony something-or-other gets written up by someone else. And once that gets written up it goes in the queue. But it doesn't go to the end of the queue it goes in order of the original filing. So even though he once again told me I'm next someone elses case can get put in front of mine again.
Remind me to tell my mother to leave me alone. I wouldn't have called it she hadn't been pestering me. I swear I will tell her the second I hear anything. But I think I will yell at her the next time she pesters me about it.
Please God give me strength.
|Tuesday, October 24th, 2006|
So I finally called the priest overseeing my case. He had fallen behind. He is writing the sentence on one case that he should finish this week and then I am next.
Then it goes for review at the Archdiocese of Hartford. That he said that is big. I just realized that. It only goes for review in Hartford if they are granting it. That means in his mind it is a done deal.
I'm still hoping for Christmas. He gave me no indication of how long it should take though. It is so not fair how long this all takes. Current Mood: indescribable
|Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006|
Below is a post I wrote in a friends journal after she came across her ex-husband's new wife's blog:I'm going to echo what everyone else has said. It will be different this time. And it will be wonderful.
I am amazed how much we have been mirroring each other these last few years. The emotions you feel about E and his new wife are so much like ones I have for S and the woman he handfasted. And the fear. I look at J every now and then and wonder "What am I not seeing?" because I missed the big clues about S. But that is the big difference right there. You and I are going into our new and forever relationship with eyes wide open. We are being critical and looking for the future problems and not finding them because they aren't there or are so small we know we will love them more because of them.
I am so happy for you that you found C. I wish the two of you all the happiness in the world!
I think the annulment process has helped a lot in easing the fear. I think in part because it highlighted to me how I can overlook the bad because of love. If I had kept my eyes open maybe I would have never married S in the first place because I would have realized that the marriage was never going to be a complete one. There was always going to be that missing piece. And because of that it was doomed to failure. With J I can look at our faults and measure what that will do to us in the future. We talk about my fears. And for the most part he listens. I know that the road in front of us isn't completely smooth, but what road is? Current Mood: hopeful
|Monday, October 2nd, 2006|
Irony is the word that keeps echoing through my head.
Through the grapevine I heard of something pretty terrible that happened to S. I hope he is ok and I was not happy to hear the news. But it was ironic because of the reasons for our splitting and part of the reason for what happened to him. I wish I could write more so someday I don't look back at this and say "what was I talking about?" but it really wouldn't be fair to him to put it here. Also it is possible that it isn't true. Grapevines can be like that.
But in the words of my brother, "Our God can be a vengeful God."
|Tuesday, September 26th, 2006|
Back in June the priest overseeing the case said he doesn't like to see the proceedings take more than 3 months from that point. Well it has been 3 months now and I haven't heard anything. I'm starting to obsess over it again after generally keeping it out of my thoughts for a while. The co-worker I have who is his cousin (did I mention that my co-worker is my priest's cousin?) said I should call him and tell him she said to harass him. I'm contemplating it. I really want this to be over so I can get on with my life! Current Mood: frustrated
|Friday, August 11th, 2006|
Yesterday the priest overseeing my annulment called both my sister and my best friend to get follow-up on their testimony. My sister said he asked a variety on questions and wasn't quite understanding that she was in HS when I was dating S. My friend said he seemed focused on the baby question and her integrity.
I wonder if he realized the irony of calling them yesterday.
|Thursday, August 10th, 2006|
I ripped off yesterday's calendar page and noticed that today is our 9 year anniversary. It didn't make me feel anything. I just noted it and then in my usual obsessive way had to document it. I'm kind of reveling in the fact that it doesn't bother me. That wasn't the case last year. Well we'll see how I do next week on the anniversary of meeting him. That one might pass without a notice since I'll be nowhere near a calendar to remind me of the date.( A post from my other journal last year, this dateCollapse ) Current Mood: busy
|Wednesday, July 19th, 2006|
I just got off the phone with the woman in the tribunal office. I had a question about that last letter I got. Here is the sentence I had the question about:The $250.00 trial fee has been posted to your account and is payable now or according to a previously agreed schedule.
I wanted to know exactly what was meant by that. I was pretty sure it was their way of saying 'pay us now' but it really didn't give all the information I needed to do that. First off, what account? I have an account? Where is it and what do you mean by "posted to your account"? To me that sounds like I already gave them a check. I gave them a check back in November but I know they already cashed that. So assuming what they are saying is 'we're billing you' who do I write the check to and where do I send it? Are specific directions too much to expect? In something this important you don't want problems because you wrote your check to the Tribunal when you should have written it to the Diocese.
So when I spoke to the woman in the office I tell her I got the letter and I have a question about that sentence. She had to go get my file because she couldn't understand what I was talking about. I think she thinks I am a moron because I was asking about this. It seemed clear to her. I pointed out that each time I have gotten a letter from them there has been confusion. That they really need to think more about the audience of these letters. Annulment is a painful experience and those seeking annulments are emotional. This one wasn't as bad as the letter that made me think that they were flat out refusing my case. I told her that. She thanked me and was going to pass along my complaint. I just hope that I haven't hurt anything by speaking up. Current Mood: frustrated
|Friday, June 23rd, 2006|
I got the citation from the Tribunal today.
They are formally opening the case of nullity of my marriage to S on the grounds of Simulation Contra Bonum Prolis on the part of S and lack of discretion on my part. Lack of discretion doesn't mean I cheated. It means I was clueless.
The letter also said that they think they have enough evidence so I won't need to appear at a formal hearing but they did give me a chance to give additional info by July 31st.
Oh my, things seem to really be rolling now. Is that a light at the end of the tunnel or an oncoming train?EDIT:
For those of you wanting to know what the Latin means in reference to Canon Law:Simulation contra bonum prolis
: This intention may, but need not, involve an absolute refusal ever to have children. Perhaps more commonly the exclusion might be a matter of one of the parties reserving to him or her self the sole power to determine, without respect to the other party's rights or wishes, whether or not to have children or unilaterally to limit the number of children. The Church teaches that in a genuine marriage the parties exchange certain rights, and one such right is that of openness to children in the union. An intention in which one partner denies this right of the other is invalidating. A situation in which the two parties mutually agree to limit the number of children or delay having children is not an invalidating exclusion unless that agreement is understood by one of the parties to supersede the right of the other to change his or her mind. Since marriage is ordained not only for the procreation but also for the education of children, the jurisprudence recognizes the invalidating consequences of an intention against the education of children. Current Mood: hopeful
|Wednesday, June 21st, 2006|
I think a feeling of calm has come over me in regards to the case. I think that all I have to do now is wait. And after what Fr B said about timeframe I feel I don't have to worry until mid-September.
Still there is part of me that wishes I could have been a fly on the wall (or a wire-tap considering it was a phone conversation) when S talked with Fr B. I'm fairly sure if I called S he'd tell me what was said. But knowing how my interview went I am afraid to make that call. I also know S is on vacation this week as he is every year.
There is also a very big part of me that is losing patience and just wants things to go forward with J. I want a ring, a wedding, a house, and a baby. But I know I should wait. I know there will always be a part of me that feels wrong
if I don't do this all in the right order. I want the blessing of the church. I keep trying to find the words to explain why but I just don't have them yet. Heck, people keep asking me. People that I don't expect to be almost beligerent, like one of my Aunts. She used to be VERY active in her home parish. I guess I always associated that with religious. But her tone when she was asking me questions about the annulment basically told me that she thinks I should never have bothered.
The last few days I keep thinking of something I said to my mother when S and I first separated. I told her that I made a promise to God. Yes, I did. That is why it took me so long to pursue the annulment. But now I look back and I feel that I made that promise without knowing all the information. It is kind of like promising you'll be right back and then getting hit by a car an rushed to the hospital. No one would say you broke your promise if that happened. Yes, I'm comparing my divorce to a car accident. I've come that far.
I think I've said enough for today. Current Mood: okay